HOW TO SOUND SMART
1) Memorize the Architect's speech from The Matrix: Reloaded. Spout various quotations throughout your conversation. Do not worry about your friends noticing, they didn't catch the speech anyway. There's a chance they were too busy talking on their cell phone, and if this is the case, BEAT THEM TO DEATH. I know they are your friends and this might be sad, but you'll stop feeling guilt when you realize how happy you made me. And erm, other people too. Yeah.
2) Three words: wire-rimmed glasses.
3) Carry around a heavy book. War And Peace is preferable, as is anything by Dostoevsky. Do not ask me to pronounce his name. Do not ask me to spell it. If you need to spell it later on in life, simply sneeze in the middle of typing. Better yet, have a grand mal seizure in the middle of a sentence. If you cannot find a copy of either of these books, just slip the cover off your copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
4) Dorky sweaters rock the house, yo. Cosby had it goin' on, don't deny it.
5) Include the word 'existentialist' or 'existentialism' in your sentence. Don't worry about what it means. It has no real meaning. It is how smart people look smart. Nobody knows what 'existentialism' means, not even the guy who created it. He was trying to say 'egg soup' but he sneezed.
6) Everything is a Metaphor for one of the following:
And when we say everything, we mean everything. That crack in your ceiling? It is a metaphor for the break in the flow of things, the disruption caused by the Man, man. Your towel? It is the government, scrubbing away any traces of an Individual who knew the Truth, but 'disappeared' in a giant conspiracy. YOU ARE NOT YOURSELF. EVERYTHING IS A LIE. THE ENTIRE WORLD CAN BE FOUND IN THE CONFINES OF YOUR SNEAKERS.
7) Wrinkle your nose in disdain at every possible situation. If necessary, use pepper.
8) Disillusion everyone. For example, you could use step #6 to prove that William Shakespeare was actually a dirty old man who was paid off by the government to oppress women.
9) Call everyone else a member of the 'fascist society that so dominates our oppressive culture, denying The Individual his or her inherent right to search for The Truth before it is hushed up by The Man, until everything goes full cycle and the women and Jews are stepped on in the name of Love which is thinly disguised Lust'. If anyone disagrees with you, insult that person's plane of existence.