How To Insult People
I particularly love insulting people who don’t quite understand the meaning of the insult, making it much harder for them to volley a retort back, giving you a chance to walk away with a smug look on your face. But remember: Don’t insult their physical appearance. You don’t want to sink to their level.
"Shakespeare didn’t invent those words for you to scandalize."
I like using this, but don’t use it too often. It tends to get a bit old.
Shakespeare invented many words and phrases, including ‘alone’ and ‘apple of my eye’. He himself had a vocabulary of approximately 27000 words. The average person has a vocabulary of maybe 7000 words, and jocks have about 10 but that’s beside the point. If someone keeps on calling you names (which I will not put here, you can think of them yourself), then this insult is good enough to shut them up for a few days while they mull over it. You can also use, "I only talk to people who have a vocabulary of more than 10 words."
"Totalitarian Obtuse Yucky Asshole"
What’s in a name? A lot, if you have a bit of creativity and a thesaurus. Take my example. This person was really annoying me and was being very insensitive. So I took his name and put a bit of a twist on the form of an old poetic style. It’s better if you use long words that aren’t the usual ‘jerk’ and ‘bastard’ (although those work too). This works best if you put it in note form and leave it for them to read –highlighting the first letters of every word, of course- or if you have MSN, you can put it as your screen name. Make sure they’re on your contact list. Chances are they will get pissed, and then they have to go and find a dictionary. Now that’s poetry.
"Tell me, what does a [insert random male genitalia here] taste like?"
Guys, especially, take offence to this. Most are homophobic, meaning they are afraid of gay men or associating with anything representing gay men. Curiously, they have no qualms about fantasizing about lesbian action. Back to the insult, it works on both genders because females don’t like the idea of being on their knees or will deny it, and males are homophobic, as mentioned previously.
"Your insults are so cheesy they’re almost blue and smelly."
I am referring to blue cheese. Although I have yet to try it, I know it’s blue and it smells. However, your opponent may not know this! Effective when critiquing their English work. "Your sentences are so cheesy they’re covered in wax." Be creative! Go to the deli and study the cheeses.
"You’re a can short of a six pack, aren’t you?"
The combination of an age old insult and a question can really baffle those thinking of something to throw back at you. I don’t use this a lot myself, but it works.
These are some insults. Naturally, you can make up your own. Be creative, be funny, but remember, only use these in defence of yourself. If you just randomly pick a verbal fight with someone, it isn’t half as fun and it isn’t worth the trouble. Use these wisely, my young padawan.