A Guide to Fork Thievery
When dinner rolls around I find a common problem in many a household: the number of forks are significantly unmatchable to the number of dinning patrons. Fear not, says I, for I will show you the way to fork abundance without needing a dime… er… for the fork at least.
Dining out is a pleasurable experience, heightened only by the satisfaction of a “souvenir.” When I say “souvenir” I really mean, “taking a fork.”
Step 1: Ladies, bring a bag with you. Gents, wear pants with deep enough pockets for fork stashing.
Step 2: Ladies, dine with your napkin on your lap, even if it’s a paper napkin, this will make the action of fork smuggling less noticeable. Gents, just sit there and look stunning or something.
Step 3: Always keep a sharp eye. Your waiter or waitress may have left the table, but this does not necessarily mean he or she has left your area. Throughout your dining experience, take note of where your server is meandering. Also, take note of any mirrors.
Step 4: Keep your eye on the fork you wish to smuggle. DO NOT LEAVE THE FORK ON YOUR PLATE AFTER YOU ARE FINISHED. Your waiter or waitress more than likely will not take a fork gone astray from its plate.
Step 5: Ladies, the napkin’s official duty comes into play. When the timing is right, move your bag onto your lap and tip it on its side. Pick up your desired fork, move it to your lap, and pretend as though you are moving to clean it off with your napkin. Whilst looking mighty concerned on hygiene issues, tuck the fork into your bag. Gents, just slip it in your pocket at the opportune moment. You can make it look as though you are reaching for a breath mint to kill that awful lasagna breath.
Step 6: Look happy, you’ve just gotten your fork.
Step 7: Walk; do not run, out of the restaurant. Really, chances are you’ll get away with taking a fork regardless of all the fancy steps. It’s just more fun this way.