The To-do's and Don't-do's of using a Public Port-A-Potty (or PortaPotty)
I specify public port-a-potty because there are some freaks who steal them from festivals and things and use them in their own backyards for sinister purposes. Such as: secretly downloading Carrot Top videos and Saved by the Bell reruns.
Ahem. I apologize profusely for that cruel and unusual imagery.
Anyway, on to business! So to speak.
For those who have been snoozing under a rock their whole life, a port-a-potty (PaP) is a toilet on the move. I mean, it doesn't move by itself. It's placed in festivals and large public gatherings for people to go have quick piddle. PaPs look like this:
Although colors may vary. I've seen more blue ones than anything else. Not sure why. (Consequently, I no longer appreciate the color blue.)
Also, sometimes, if you're stuck using the PaP and that giant truck thing comes to collect it and return it to Port-a-Potty Heaven, well that sucks for you. I digress.
No, I don't! These are some quick survival tips if you are in the process of using a Port-a-Potty and the giant truck thing comes to take it away:
1. Brace self with both hands against walls of PaP; depending on how far along you are in your PaP duties, you may also want to brace your legs against the wall in front of you. Trust me, you'll be able to touch all four walls at the same time because PaP's are notoriously SMALL. Not recommended for those with claustrophobia.
2. You should really wrap up your PaP duties, because sometimes those PaPs get flipped over, and if the PaP bowl is FULL.... you really, really don't want that to happen.
3. Don't start yelling for help until your pants are up.
4. You should really consider a way of getting out of there, mate. Quickly.
OKAY! Now that the important stuff is out the way, here's a few helpful tips which I've gathered in my vast experience with PaPs:
Tip #1: NEVER. EVER. Use a Port-a-Potty on a Saturday morning. I'm warning you. Saturday mornings are NO GOOD, no matter what the occasion and how large the crowd. Only in extreme cases of emergency--such as, all the bushes in your general area are being used by other people who also smartly refused to use the PaP, and they moved the hotdog stand so you can't hide behind that either--should you dare use a Port-a-Potty on a Saturday morning. Take these words to heart and arse, my friend.
Tip #2: For the love of mankind, BRING YOUR OWN TOILET SEAT COVERS! They sell for extremely cheap in most department stores. (I happen to know that Wal-Mart sells them for 99 cents a pack. God bless my cajun white trashy upbringing!) They are fairly easy to apply to the PaP seat; you will notice a giant hole in the center of the toilet seat covers, or as we professionals of the business refer to them: TSCs.
Tip #3: BRING YOUR OWN TOILET PAPER! Always keep it with you. DO NOT USE PREXISTING TP! Not kidding. If you have to hide your own roll of TP in your underpants, you bloody well better do it. Better to have your own personal mess on the roll of TP than someone else's! Eh.. heh.
Tip #4: Use leaves if you really can't find any TP. DO NOT USE THE TP ALREADY IN THE PaP! Check for red ants and various other critters on leaves of your choosing.
Tip #5: But really, find some fresh TP. I beg of thee.
Tip #6: Do not confuse TP with TSC. You will feel a sharp, scratching pain in your nether-regions and instantly realize you have mistaken the TP for the TSC. Or, you sat on a leaf full of red ants.
Tip #7: Walk carefully to PaP and watch the ground very carefully near the PaPs themselves. Some people can't make their appointments with Mr. John on time, and you shouldn't be a victim of someone else's loose bladdery!
Tip #8: Squeeze into the PaP of your choosing. You had best check them all out with hawk eyes. Your precious bottom deserves nothing less than the best!
Tip #9: Don't tug too hard on the handles of those that read "Occupied," typically written in a neon green glow-in-the-dark font. You're bound to hear one or two obscenities issue from said PaP, possibly in German.
Tip #10: IMPORTANT! There is a very specific trick to using a PaP in the pitch black of night. Ideally, you will have a flashlight (FL) with you, and your own roll of TP tucked firmly underneath your arm. Along with your TP and FL, you should have your TSC in tow. Once you've managed to get into the PaP unscathed and unspoiled, PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWING:
1. Place flashlight firmly between teeth and keep light directed at PaP bowl.
2. Pull out a TSC and place it accordingly, and very carefully, onto the PaP seat. Be certain not to touch anything at all if you can help it.
3. Carefully remove roll of TP from your armpit, sit down onto TSC with great caution (after triple-checking the bowl with flaslight).
4. Piddle, or paddle, whichever.
5. Reverse steps and return to your festivities.
Tip #11: Having anti-bacterial hand lotion is also a mighty fine idea. They sell them in mini-bottles that would fit snugly in your pocket.
Tip #12: Nose plugs optional, but highly recommended.